Sex, is it Fireworks or Fatal?

I know, it's a strong title, and likely provoked some significant feels already, but hang with me on this one, because it's something close to my heart and something I think is a real problem for some.

I've been married over six years at this point, so for some I might not have enough time under my belt to be giving advice, but with current divorce rates between 40 and 50%, I've made it past the the 3 and 5 year milestones so I must be doing something right.

First off, I love sex, and I'm by no means saying marriages and relationships shouldn't have physical affection and attraction. I believe physical affection and attraction can draw people closer to each other and make a bond stronger. I also believe that physical affection and attraction can push people apart and can quickly deteriorate a bond between two people.

One of the most disheartening things I've started to hear more and more from my friends is their picture of what sex has become in their marriages. For some, sex is amazing, it's a time to connect and grow closer with their partner but this seems to be the case less and less of the time. Others seem to have more negative associations with sex such as,

A Chore - If it doesn’t happen enough their significant other lets them know via pouting, anger and manipulation.
One-Sided - It's a race to the finish line and if you don't get there, sucks to suck.
Anxiety Inducing - The self conscious feelings are overwhelming to the point they can’t relax and enjoy it.

So what's the secret sauce to getting to the "sex is amazing" type of relationship? To be honest I'm not sure, but I can give you some ideas on what I believe can get you closer or further from it.

Further

Having sex when you don't want to. I'm not advocating for holding sex hostage or not having sex to hurt your partner. But if you are having a bad day, or aren't feeling up to it, don't say yes because you feel obligated to do it. Sex is a choice and the moment it stops feeling like one is the moment it starts creating a wedge between you and your partner.
Begging, guilting, or whining to your partner for sex. It's one thing to suggest it, but when your partner isn't feeling it, maybe they need your attention in a non-sexual way, so ask what they'd like to do instead and don't bring it up every 5 minutes, odds are they didn't change their mind.
Exploring sex on your own or with someone outside of your partner. Sex is something special between you and your partner, leaving them out or inviting others into that space will undoubtedly cause distance between you and your partner.

Closer

Talk about sex. No I don't mean sexting or talking dirty to your partner, I mean talk about what you like or don't like. Talk about what makes you insecure or nervous, talk about how sex makes you feel and learn about sex from your partner's perspective.
Try new things. For some, doing the same thing on the same day at the same time might work. But for some it might get old, trying a new position, or buying lingerie doesn't make you a pervert, it means you're trying to keep the romance alive. It's only a problem if it's not a joint decision.

If you’re the person reading this and you love your sex life, I’m so happy for you, keep it up! If you’re the person reading this and you’re struggling with your sex life and want something more, try talking about sex with your partner. Trying something else before talking about it might throw your partner off or catch them off guard, bring up the conversation so that together you can work through eliminating things that may be eroding your sex life and adding things that can bring you closer to each other.